I want to know
Tuesday, May 07, 1996
My concern is that I want a better knowledge that the things I believe in are true. I'm not too sure how to recognize the answers to my prayers. It'd be great if I could have an angel visit me to tell me these things are true. I believe that it could happen, but I don't think it will happen. I know that mostly the Spirit will, for me I think, give me a reassurance that this Church is true. I don't quite know how to explain, but I just think or believe, maybe even feel that it is right. I think my problem is that I don't want to just believe anymore, I want to know! I want to know with the perfect knowledge that Nephi had and that the Brother of Jared gained. I want to know! I feel like my prayers are answered with general answers I already know. I pray to know the Book of Mormon is true and no great sign, no strong feelings. I just have the thought that they are true. The same with all other questions asked in prayer. I already know the answer because I've been told it a million times. I want a personal witness, something not normal. Not so that I'll believe, I already do, but so that I can have a perfect knowledge. Every time I think this though, I also think that God answers in His own ways and own times. That I should bear with it; believe until the end with all your heart, for then shall you have your perfect knowledge.
I believe I shall receive when I ask. I just don't know what to look for, or what I should feel.
I guess I doubt wether everything is true. But I don't believe myself when I say I don't believe. My instinct to believe that everything is true is greater than my doubt that they aren't. I just want to know! I believe and hope that that day will come. I just need to wait for when the Lord says it's time. I just wish it ere now, though.