I'm going to HELL
Sunday, May 05, 1996
I'm going to HELL! I forgot to write yesterday. What's the world coming to? I also forgot about Dad's birthday and Aaron's and about Mother's Day next Sunday. I sent Dad a tie and a little note on Friday. Then yesterday, I remembered that Aaron's B-day is tomorrow. I'm going to have to send a zipper tie to Aaron like I did Dad. If I would have brought a calendar, I would have remembered.
I think today I realized how important music is for me to be able to feel the Spirit. For me, it is the quickest and easiest way. It is hard for me to recognize the Spirit during talks and things like that. Not impossible, though. I'm so hard hearted that the Spirit has to be very strong for me to be able to feel it. And I hate that. I wish I would be able to immediately tell when the Spirit is here by what I feel. I can usually tell by others, but not often by what I feel. My patriarchal blessing promised me a sensitiviety to the promptings of the Spirit. I've prayed for it often. I guess not hard enough. I have faith though, that I'll be able to recognize it and follow it when I need to. My problem is that I don't know what the Spirit does to me to tell me what to do. I recognize when it tells me things are true. I just have a feeling when I hear things I believe. The feeling means to me that what is being said is right. I just think that I should hear a real voice or see angels or something. Even though I know that's not the way it'll be. I need to pray harder and more often about the way the Spirit will tell me the will of my Father. I often feel that my prayers are one way conversations. I know God hears and answers my prayers, but I want to hear Him. I want to see His perfect face and hear His loving voice reply when I pray. I want those things. But I don't think it is the will of the LORD I'll just have faith. I can't wait to return to Heavenly Father and Jesus. I hate not being able to see Them when I pray. I want Them to hug me and tell me it's ok like they used to. I hate being away from Them more than I hate being away from my Earthly family. I feel like I don't really know either of Them anymore, because I can't see or hear Them. I like looking at the pictures of Christ because they help me remember what He is like. My soul longs to see Them, and I hope one day I can. I have faith that one day I will. It's hard to believe in those you cannot see, but I do. Just like I know I have a family in Arizona. I know I hae a Mother and Father and an Awesome Brother in Heaven. My soul is homesick. I long to feel the Spirit as strong as I have only once before. I whish I could always have the Spirit with me that strongly. I wish Heavenly Father and Jesus would visit me so I can know they are there, and not just hope and believe. I want it all now, not on the Lord's timetable. I'll just wait patiently for him to com. For I do know that. That He will come. I love you my God and my Savior.